My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?