joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.