@Storminika: My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway.
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@OfficeofSteve: My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I've started to wear old Halloween costumes
@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@TheHyyyype: [creation of insects] LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night BEE: I will pollinate flowers FLY: I will eat shit and die
@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"