my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.