My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The happy life.. 😊
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I unironically love this joke.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.