My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.