@_NTFG_: My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
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@QwertyJones3: Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
@david8hughes: [first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
@goolicker: There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails, but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
@tehaveragejoel: make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.