@_NTFG_: My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
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@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
@adamhess1: The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me
@juneohara65: Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
@ohpegah: ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand DATE: ?? ME: It's on both hands, I should probably see a doctor