My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.