@fatherofcomedy: My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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@Pmerrily: Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
@BDGarp: I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
@CanadianPitbull: Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I