My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.