My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.