I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Someone just threatened to call me later
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]