[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out đ
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Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. thatâs how the car gets places
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasnât intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tescoâs.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didnât look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if itâs because theyâre fantasizing your death.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17âs boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. Iâm weird enough.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse đ¤ˇ
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Normalize never cutting our kidsâ food into âfunâ shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isnât she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.