My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
#parenting
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.