My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
They’re called werewolves.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!