When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope