Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.