My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.