Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.