@ilovepie84: My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can't even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
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@Iwriteforcats: Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they're cooking meth.
@heatherlou_: As a mom, I'm super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she's starting.
@TylerComeOn: Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.
@ParentNormal: Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us