My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist