My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?