my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m aging like a fine banana