My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.