My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”