@marinarachael: My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don't have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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@stephanidek: [NYE] ME: *wearing 2017 glasses* OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
@The_Grant_Boldt: Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
@jazmasta: "That'll be $15.99 please" "Do you take giant revolving badgers?" *cashier grabs me by the throat* "We ONLY take giant revolving badgers"
@Reverend_Scott: DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun