My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up