My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking