My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes