age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.