I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again