My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.