My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Always…
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.