@dumbbeezie: My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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@mrtruthandsoul: No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
@AlisonChrista: Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer- *is decapitated by a hockey stick*
@Darlainky: Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected. Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
@Dr_powpow: Like every good global citizen I've reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they're on vacation