My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?