Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.