@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
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@tastefactory: ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary *Bloody Mary appears* ME: I'm moving today and need your help BLOODY MARY: Shit
@jlock17: Subway only exists because we're all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here's $8."