@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
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@michaelianblack: Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They're wheels.
@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
@juliussharpe: When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
@TheTweetOfGod: Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems