My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
not seeing the problem
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Meanwhile in Canada…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.