Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Never ghost your hitman.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My love language is deader than Latin
pelicons
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
A new level of troll.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”