my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Go girl power!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t