@zoeklar: my friend told me on first dates i should just "be myself" and "be confident" and i was like "ok but which one?"
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SamDeLanche: 7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check? Me: I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
@MomesTheWord: I talk to my librarian like he's my drug dealer. "You don't have it yet? I need something now; what've you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!"
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
@jus4golf: Me: What's for dinner? Her: Chinese. Me: I will make the Duck Sauce. *catches duck *fires up juicer