@zoeklar: my friend told me on first dates i should just "be myself" and "be confident" and i was like "ok but which one?"
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@hazelmotes1: My daughter doesn't know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won't know I took it out and am eating it now.
@dulcetry: This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
@sixfootcandy: Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months. Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.