My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.