@flaskofwhiskeyy: My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.
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@FreckleMcPickle: Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.
@Tmoney68: BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
@gorrdano: McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear's "I'm a slave for you" before ordering.
@ObscureGent: What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?