My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.