My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
(Gaming support cat.)
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.