My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
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scrabbled eggs
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic