My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
You Might Also Like
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.