My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.