My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
When you’re Kinky but poor
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834