My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.