@BigBagOfScum: My friend was like "hey bring some cd's to listen to on the trip" and I was like "where are we going, 2001?"
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@iamburtjarvis: ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
@shutupmikeginn: "Oh, you're left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show
@TheSwanDon: Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There's not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
@jctwritesstuff: Me: Yeah like that, baby. Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair* Me: *moans* Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many-- Me: *snores, drools*