My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.