My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
looks legit
What?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.