My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Same pineapple, same
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.