@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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@several_sins: I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
@PetrickSara: "You saw nothing." -me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!