@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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@KyleMcDowell86: *buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*
@Bexdora: "Let's see what you're made of!" he says on approach, knife in hand. "Good." I mutter. "Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology."
@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
@clyderun: At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.