my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
me after eating Cheetos